Dorian Gray (2009)
So, how do you turn a novella which is mostly exposition and suggestion into a ‘summer’ movie? Well, if you’re director Oliver Parker (St Trinian’s), you add a load of nudity, some wooden acting, and finish it off in the 1910s just so you can have a car chase…
Any subtlety of the first hour is lost in a sea of floating CGI nonsense in the final act. You’re left wondering what the point of it all is? That said, it’s not as bad as that abomination, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Jurassic Shark (2012)
Another entry in the ‘Big Shark is Bigger Than is Expected! Ooh Scary!’ genre is Jurassic Shark. Reminiscent of Roger Corman’s school of filming – take a heist script and stick a monster in it – the film sees a group of ker-razy kids getting caught up in the playful shenanigans of a bunch of art thieves. Oh, and a Shark from the Jurassic period, because history.
After losing their booty in the middle of a Jurassic Shark infested lake, the group of art thieves try to formulate plans to get it back. Nearly 90% of these involve wading into the water and being killed instantly. You may not be surprised by this,but there are much better Giant Shark movies to be found.
100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck (2012)
Following on from the exploitative nature of 8213 Gacy House, the Asylum crew build their latest cheapovision horror around the legend of real life serial rapist and murderer, Richard Speck. People run through dark corridors, then walk, then run some more, then shout, ‘What, what the eff was that?!’ whilst running. It’s all very tedious and reaches the pinnacle of vulgarity when we, the viewing public, are treated to a two-minute sexual assault scene by Richard’s Ghost. 100 Ghost Street plays like a bingo card for all other found footage horrors, showing a lack of originality I haven’t seen since Exorcismus. Avoid like the plague!
John Noonan 